settling

In the spring during my senior year of high school I had to take one final requirement, a world history class. I remember picking one that I thought would be easy so I could just complete the requirement and move on towards graduation. About a week into the class the teacher pulled me aside and told me that the class was really beneath me and recommended I switch to the upper level class. I politely declined his suggestion and proceeded to finish the semester earning some of the highest grades in the class.

In college, I remember skipping A LOT of classes, showing up in sweats, sleeping during lectures and MAYBE opening a total of 2 books (only to complete assignments). And yet I graduated.

Looking back on my life I can't really think of a time I've given 100%. I can't think of a time I have truly challenged myself. I've always done what I needed to do and some cases settled for less than my best.

I wouldn't say that I haven't been passionate about some things I just lack ambition.

With Madeleine starting school this year I have really noticed her love for learning. In some ways she can be a perfectionist. And she's really smart. This week Madeleine was showing my dad one of her newest skills the other day and he made the comment to her that her mommy was really smart but never applied herself. His hope for her was that she applied herself.

This week I have done a lot of re-evaluating what I want in life. What I value. What I love. I am done with being less than all of me. I am done not putting effort into life/relationships.